A Conversation with My Kids About the Key to Success in Life

Me: Kids, I need you to sit down so we can talk about the key to success in life.

Kid 1 and Kid 2: Ugh.

Me: Are you ready?

Kid 1 and Kid 2: Yes.

Me: It is this: You need to be the ringleader of a scheme dedicated to the corruption of legitimate processes and the legitimization of corrupt processes.

Kid 1: What's a processes?

Me: Well, that's plural for process.

Kid 2: What process are you talking about?

Me: It could be any process, I suppose, but for purposes of life success, probably one that involves money.

Kid 1: We need to corrupt a legitimate process.

Me: Yes.

Kid 2: And legitimize a corrupt process.

Me: Yes, simultaneously and ideally involving many processes, but you can start with one or two until you get your sea legs. You need to take a good thing and make it bad and a bad thing and make it good.

Kid 1: But why would we do that?

Me: Because the good thing slows you down and the bad thing is what gets you where you want to go as quickly as possible.

Kid 2: So, you're telling us to do bad things.

Me: No. I'm telling you to make it so that the bad thing is no longer considered bad, so you can do it as much as you want and everyone's OK with it.

Kid 1: But also make it so the good thing is a bad thing.

Me. Correct. Or at least make it so that there's no longer any consensus that the good thing that most people used to think was an acceptable and even commendable brake on the bad thing you want to do – by which I mean, formerly bad thing – is still a good thing.

Kid 2: This is confusing.

Me: It can be confusing. But here's how it will start to click for you: You know that pull you feel when you're presented with a choice between something that is obviously right but would be costly or time-consuming or inconvenient or otherwise problematic for you, and something that is obviously wrong but would be immediately beneficial for you?

Kid 1: Like feeling the hand of God?

Me: God. Higher Power. Maybe innate moral compass. Maybe immutable human drive for justice.

Kid 2: Yes, I do know that! It tells me to make the right choice!

Me: You need to turn that off.

Kid 2: Oh.

Me: You need to turn that off, survey whatever situation you're in, and then just go for it. You don't have to be secretive, either. Tell everyone exactly what you're doing, and you'll probably be amazed at the pliability of the system.

Kid 1: I thought you were going to tell us to work hard, be honest and serve others.

Me: Close, bucko. Yes, work hard at the simultaneous corruption and legitimization. Yes, be honest about it. But frame it as service to others, as opposed to service to your unquenchable thirst for wealth, power and adulation.

Kid 2: Dad?

Me: Yes.

Kid 2: Do we have to do all of the processes?

Me: Yeah, I mean, unfortunately, you've got to do as many as you can. Anything with integrity that's left will unfortunately be a threat to your dominion.

Kid 1: Dad?

Me: Yes.

Kid 1: Can we get Frosties after practice?

Me: Sure, bud.