American Ulysses, 2025
In which we follow our protagonist Connor O'Connor through one day in America in 2025.
4:30 a.m. Connor wakes up, brews coffee and eats a bowl of Chobani Zero Sugar vanilla yogurt with Whole Foods 365 fruit and nut granola mixed in. He checks the headlines. Blue Jays and Mariners won. Broncos won. Surprising. Also, President Trump posted an AI video of himself and Office of Management and Budget Director Russ Vought in matching aprons roasting House Minority Leader Hakeem Jeffries and Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer on a spit. Connor notes how much he loves that granola. Not too sweet, no skimping on the fruit and nuts, and reasonably priced.
5:30 a.m. Connor goes to the gym. Chest, shoulders and arms day. In between sets, he watches videos of ICE agents rappelling from a Black Hawk helicopter onto the roof of an Ace Hardware in Sacramento. He's disappointed in his bench progress lately. He's tried higher reps with lower weight, and lower reps with higher weight, but nothing's working. He finishes with 20 minutes on the elliptical that goes pretty well.
7:00 a.m. Connor helps his wife Molly with breakfast and getting the kids ready for school. He showers, dresses. While brushing his teeth, he reads a thread by a history professor announcing the death of the U.S. constitutional order and his move to Toronto. Connor drives the kids to school and walks them to the door. Connor Jr. is making a presentation today on beluga whales. Claire is helping her class organize a food drive.
8:00 a.m. Connor drives to work. On the radio, a reporter flatly notes that President Trump has deputized the nation's BMV clerks and eliminated the month of August. On that spot on 5th Avenue crossing 4th Street where there's a turn lane to go left and a lane to go straight, there's someone once again in the turn lane who ignores the turn-only signs and goes straight. Connor wonders what's wrong with people.
8:30 a.m. Connor logs in at the office. His inbox is looking pretty good. He prides himself on his email hygiene and zeroes out his inbox at least once a week. He initially thinks he has a lot to respond to, but most of the emails are reply-alls saying, "Thanks" and/or "Sounds like a plan." His phone lights up. NEWS ALERT: Trump adviser Stephen Miller says the president has plenary authority to bomb fishing boats and bakeries. Finishing an email, Connor tries to think of a new way to say, "Please let me know if you have any questions or concerns."
10:00 a.m. Connor attends a budget meeting. Everything is going according to plan until about 10:30, when tempers start to flare between the accounting and operations teams. This has been brewing for a while. The budget meeting turns into a group counseling session. NEWS ALERT: Department of Homeland Security Secretary Kristi Noem designates the Shriners and Presbyterian Church as domestic terrorist organizations. Connor can feel his eyes closing when the controller rights the ship and strongly concludes the meeting by recapping major decisions and describing next steps.
12:00 p.m. It's lunchtime. Leftovers, Molly's meatloaf, his favorite. It's a recipe she's used for 10 years. Nothing fancy, really just sublime in its simplicity. Sometimes when he's feeling frisky, he'll put a slice of it on bread with mayonnaise, but not today. NEWS ALERT: Peter Thiel announces his discovery of the Antichrist using AI-generated software, extends false messiah $10 million in Series A funding. Connor surprisingly feels like polishing off the meatloaf with a glass of milk, but of course, he doesn't have milk at the office and can't remember the last time he drank an entire glass of it.
1:00 p.m. Connor has a call with a sales guy who has been bugging him for months about buying this new AI workflow management software called Klibbjit. The sales guy says "adaptive" and "proactive" over and over, so much, in fact, that the words start to sound funny to Connor and he forgets which word is which. NEWS ALERT: In new guidance, CDC recommends capsulized beef tallow as a treatment for prostate cancer. During an awkward pause, Connor can tell the sales guy asked him a question and is waiting on a response. He lies that he has another call coming in that he can't miss and says, "I'm going to circle up with my folks and then I'll circle back with you."
2:00 p.m. Connor has an interview over Teams with a candidate for an analyst position. The candidate dabs sweat from his forehead with what appears to be an old t-shirt. NEWS ALERT: Attorney General Pam Bondi announces the arrest of Barney Guttman, a fictional, transgender cartoon character on the Netflix animated series Dead End: Paranormal Park. Connor tells the candidate they'll make a decision soon, by which he means this is the first and last time they will see each other.
2:45 p.m. Connor works on the pitch deck for the big meeting next week. He doesn't really believe in the value proposition, which is a problem, but the charts look good. NEWS ALERT: Department of Commerce and Department of Labor jointly announce multiyear contract with Polymarket to replace traditional economic and jobs data with proprietary predictive statistical reports. He stares at a blank Slide 14 for the better part of an hour before shutting down for the day.
5:30 p.m. Connor drives home. On the radio, a reporter flatly notes that President Trump has ordered targeted missile strikes on Burlington, Vermont, with Democratic leaders calling the strikes a distraction from the soaring costs of groceries and health care. There's been a haze on his windshield for months that has made it hard for him to see when the sun is low. He wonders at his laziness for not taking the time to wipe it off.
7:00 p.m. It's dinnertime. Molly made basil pesto pasta, Claire's favorite. Connor Junior says his presentation on beluga whales went well and he thinks it was one of the best. Claire says that they had a school-wide active shooter drill. She says they locked all the classroom doors and the police were in the halls. She says her friend Emma said the thing to do is cover yourself in your classmates' blood and play dead. Connor Junior asks if he can watch a little TV if he helps clean up and gets his homework done. Connor Senior says that's OK.
7:45 p.m. Molly helps Connor Junior with his homework. Connor Senior helps Claire with hers. He is reminded again that new math is not the same as old math. NEWS ALERT: Supreme Court legalizes bribery of public officials in an unsigned shadow docket decision. His brain doesn't want to learn the box method of multiplication, but Claire is crying and doesn't get it, so he's going to force himself to learn it.
8:45 p.m. The four of them watch a little playoff baseball together, Cubs vs. Brewers. Baseball has always calmed Connor, the timelessness of 60 feet, 6 inches, the pitcher staring down the batter. NEWS ALERT: Lincoln Memorial now called Lincoln Memorial at Anduril Plaza under new naming-rights deal with defense contractor. Seemingly every commercial break has an ad for eczema drug Bloplevly, whose potential side effects include the liquification of fingernails and toenails.
9:45 p.m. Bedtime. Connor lies down with Connor Junior, and they read a book together about British kids on a ship called the City of Benares that was sunk by a Nazi U-boat in 1940 on the way to Canada. Hardly any of them survived. Junior gets sleepy. Senior tucks him in and turns out the light. He's sleepy himself and gets ready for bed. As he brushes his teeth, he's already thinking about the next morning's yogurt, granola and coffee. Sometimes he looks forward to that first cup so much, he almost wishes he could skip sleeping to get to it. But he knows that alarm will be going off soon enough.